Much, Much Worse

I am in constant agony after the suicide of my son.


Having a missing child is beyond my ability to fathom.


I walked into my living room and found a dead body on the floor. It was my 26-year-old son’s body. He had killed himself and was either trying to get outside so that I would not find his dead body in our home or he was trying to get up the stairs to tell me because he had changed his mind. He had changed his mind before. Either way, his dead body was lying one floor down from my spot on my bed.

What do you do when you don’t know where he has gone? How do you deal with the anguish of a disappearance? Does he exist? Where is he? What has been done with him? Where can I find him?

I had my Chris. I knew where he was, what had happened to him, and why.

If you don’t, I can’t see how trying to breathe in and out would even work. The universe is a vacuum which has stolen your child. How can you breathe in that?



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